Were it not for X, I would Y

Were it not for the fact that my brain is broken and I do not currently have the energy to do any of them, I would plough on with one or more of the following regardless. Not all of them. I'm playing around with these, trying them on for size. I wrote most of them down a while ago, and, typing them up now, they feel far beyond anything I could dream of doing. So many tiny steps to take before even setting out on any of them, and each tiny step seeming huge and daunting. My aspirations shrink along with my capabilities.

(Were it not for the fact that I have a job to go to, I would find the human equivalent of a cardboard box filled with straw and sleep until my brain fixed itself.)

But anyway...

Were it not for the changes that would have to be made to our rental contract, I would set up an Etsy shop right this minute.

Were it not for the fact that I'm paranoid about being sued, I would self-publish and be damned.

Were it not for the fact that I'm morbidly convinced that it would lead directly to ordination, do not pass go, do not collect £200, I would do a Theology degree.

Were it not for the fact that I have a job to go to, I would take weeks and weeks off and go Interrailing around Europe.

Were it not for the fact that Anne's not well enough (and I have a job to do), I would walk the Camino again.


These seem to sit in their own category of Big Huge Scary Things. There are other things that aren't scaring me, that feel like they are only not getting done, or not getting done as quickly as I'd like, because brain and time:

- Paris bus website

- The Slowest Elopement

- O Antiphons end-of-Advent calendar

- piano lessons


Other things I am pondering:

- why am I so resistant to the idea of working from home?

- I probably need to prod harder at my whole relationship with work, and how it intersects with my relationship with Church, and being female, and being human

- how much/how long/what would it take for me to actually get better, more than just enough to scrape through the next day, but to be thoroughly refreshed and to feel once more like I could go on for ever? Whatever that is, could I do it?

- there is no way for other people to know that I have crashed, and how hard, without my telling them. How to do this?

- given the above, if I can't treat myself like I'm ill, how I can I expect other people to do so?

- how can I trust myself to look after myself?


I only have so much to give.