kafj | Stopping It In Its Tracks

On Wednesday night I was tired. I had stayed up too late too many nights. I had conducted difficult conversations with too many people, and had to enforce boundaries with more force than I am used to. I had called on almost every support network I possess, in one way or another, for one purpose or another. A long-running worry was on the verge of resolving itself. I had been with people all evening, and then I was alone.

The particular mindworm that tells me that it doesn't matter how brilliant I am, nobody will actually ever like me, with which I have had trouble in the past, but which had been quiet since November, took the opportunity to invade.

I was frightened. I was disappointed. I had hoped that it was gone for good.

It wasn't, but it is off again for the moment now. This is exciting.

What worked?

Noticing it. Recognising it.

Knowing (head-knowing, admittedly, but a start) that it was not true last time, and it was not true now. This was already an improvement, because back in November I believed it.

Asking for help. I texted Tony as soon as I recognised what was happening; he phoned me straight back. I talked to him all the way home - I think it was me doing most of the talking, and most of what I was talking about was strategies, working out things I could do the moment I got home, that would make things better, and the more I talked the more I thought of, and the more hopeful I felt that I could get to a point where the mindworm would not be bothering me.

Activating previous offers of help. My wonderful friend Nicky had tweeted me on Tuesday, when I'd expressed gratitude for the hugs I'd received that day, with *sends you more hugs* I feel you can never have too many, keep these ones for later if you need to! :) - which was perfect. I did that without knowing it. Knowing that I had that general support saved up waiting for me allowed me to remember other expressions of support that I hadn't needed at the time - mostly from various of my Guildford ex-colleagues, telling me that I am missed - and use them against the message the mindworm was telling me.

Saying what I needed.

Being gentle with myself.

Future hugs for everyone who needs them. Present hugs, too.